


until we’re dancing through these flames

by littlelooneyluna



Category: robron
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Falling In Love, M/M, firefighter!Aaron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 02:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14990429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: Robert can’t quite believe his luck when a young, fit bloke shows interest in him. The fact that he just happens to be a firefighter just has to be the catch.





	until we’re dancing through these flames

**Author's Note:**

> I loved writing this so I hope it goes down well!

And If everyone is being perfectly honest, it isn't his fault that it happens whatsoever. It's actually his sister who thought it would be a perfect idea to use his flat and cook him some romantic meal for a blind date who didn’t even bother showing up.

It makes his insides _curl_ when he thinks about how pitiful it all would have been if the place hadn't decided to catch fire. 

He's standing outside, hands shaky and trying his hardest not to over think everything the way he always does when he thinks about fire and it's harder than he wants it to be. Vic's yapping away to a firefighter and there's no need for all of them to be here but they don't seem to be shifting any time soon.

Apparently Vic and her excellent culinary skills have resulted in the oven becoming overheated and deciding to collapse for one reason or another. Robert's never had an issue with it, seemed to get through just fine until Vic over exerted it all and now he's out in the cold on what should be a cool summer's night.

Robert watches her speaking with a calmness about him suddenly though, he's thankful neither of them were hurt and there's always going to be this underlining level of worry isn't there? Robert is aware of that, he's twenty six and has his prospects but he'll always always be aware of how precious and haphazard life can be sometimes.

Robert's stupidly in his own head when Vic comes over to him and asks if he's alright, which he _is_.

"You were scared." Vic nods her head a little and it's ridiculously annoying for his kid sister to be so correct all the time but these days he just lets her think what she wants to. "Don't try and deny it, you saw the flames and screamed my name even though I was -"

She was _fine_ , everything was _fine_ considering how _bad_ it _could_ have been but it didn't feel like that in the moment. Robert was walking in on his sister fighting through smoke and waving her arms around in the air and it wasn't that fucking great to witness if he's being honest.

He's trying to be honest about things with her, with everyone he knows really but he also doesn't know how he's supposed to budge how he feels deep inside. It's like he's annoyingly incapable of moving passed it all.

"Vic. Save it." Robert bites, annoyingly harsh and unlike himself when he's around her and she doesn't seem to get it. Instead she edges closer and he's embarrassed by the fact that he's still red and sweaty and clearly shaken more than she is.

That's understandable though, she has _memories_ and he has _realities_ and they are too very different things.

"We're safe." Vic says kindly, like she's really trying and fuck Robert doesn't want her to have to _try_ with him like he's just a kid but sometimes that's the way it goes. The whole reason _why_ she decided to set him up with some friend of a friend of hers who she's never even _met_ was because he apparently needs someone.

He's twenty six and isn't too fucking bad looking but apparently he needs someone properly. He needs stability or _growth_ or whatever she's convinced herself works best.

"We're safe, no damage done." Vic smiles a little and she's got smoke lines edged around her eyes that Robert stares at for a second or so.

"Shame you can't say the same thing about the state of your kitchen."

It startles Robert something rotten, makes him look up and see who has interrupted their conversation so abruptly for no apparent reason.

It's just another firefighter and honestly, they creep him the fuck out if he's honest. He admires them, for being heroes or whatever but he'll never get _why_ someone would want to put themselves in that sort of danger on a day to day basis.

You run from fires. You don't run towards them.

The guy has a smile on his face that drops as soon as Robert scowls at him, all confused and tense and he doesn't mean to be rude. He's wearing the full uniform, helmet on and everything and Robert doesn't know what to think of the way he keeps looking at him.

It makes something bubble in his chest and then Vic is quietly moving back towards wherever she was standing only minutes ago.

"Sorry I just - I meant the - the _fire_ was -"

Robert shifts awkwardly on his feet and looks down, _this_ is sort of what Vic is always talking about, he's not fucking shy, he's just lacking the confidence which maybe would have been inserted through a happy and healthy childhood. He's not a fool though, he doesn't blame it, he just knows it's paid a contribution to the way he is now.

"It's fine." Robert says. "I hated the colour in there anyway." His eyes flicker as he looks up and the firefighter just seems to keep smiling faintly at him before Robert winces a little against the cold and he awkwardly springs into action.

"I don't suppose any one of my lot gave you one of these?" The man holds up what looks like tin foil and Robert nearly rolls his eyes because he's not just been rescued from a burning crumbling building or anything. His shuddering shoulders give away the fact that he's in need of one though and the guy hesitates before stretching it around Robert.

"Cheers." Robert says, looks around and watches as the firefights presumably go about their business of assessing damages and making sure that everything is safe. He supposes that this guy should be helping as well. "You taking a well earned break?" Robert asks and the bloke finally removes his helmet. It makes Robert visibly gulp and look away because despite the fact that he clearly is in need of a shower and looks ridiculous sweaty, his hair curls at his forehead and he has these blue eyes. Robert tells himself he doesn't really care as he looks at him, almost turns it into a game - who can stare the longest - just to make sure that he isn't fazed by the bloke and his looks.

"Just rescued you from a burning building mate." He jokes and for the first time all day Robert finds himself smiling. He decides that that the guy is an idiot, one on the verge of being dopey.

"Right." Robert says. "Well thanks." He says, almost too awkward to do all of this even if it isn't really anything.

"Was your girlfriend trying to be romantic or summat?" The guy isn't fucking subtle and Robert is slowly losing his shit as he struggles to say anything through a frown and then decides that opening his mouth and speaking would be useful.

"She's my sister." He blurts out and the guy nods along after letting his mouth gape for a second or two. "She uh - reckons she'll be a chef one day and decided that she'd cook a meal for me and a blind date."

He hears the bloke scoff after hesitating and it makes him smile a little. "Right then, did it go well?"

"It didn't go at all." Robert says flatly, pulls the blanket thing over him further and the guy seems pretty damn happy about that fact.

They sort of just stare at each other for a few seconds before Robert hears the guy being called back to the other firefighters and it's broken. Whatever sort of weirdness just went on is done and Robert feels like he can breathe again as he watches the guy go.

"Keep the blanket. Make sure you get somewhere to sleep tonight yeah?"

"Vic's. As long as she doesn't burn it down." Robert says, and something shocks him, the trivial tone in his voice when he's talking about the dreaded F word which has haunted him for years.

It's the firefighter. He's a dick.

"Good." One that looks at him up and down and smiles and seems to give a genuine toss for some reason. "Bye Robert." He turns again and Robert's eyes widen as he hears the way it sounds in his mouth.

"Bye uh - "

He's quick in turning around, "Aaron." He says, walking backwards with a ridiculous ease and Robert truly doesn't know what to do as he hears the firefighters _teasing_ him about taking extra care of the patient.

He hears Aaron tell them to piss off but it's said in jest, like he doesn't really give a shit, like he’s not _denying_ it at all.

Robert reckons someone like Aaron doesn't give a shit about most things.

 

::

 

Robert is annoyed about most things and even more irate when Vic decides to wake him with her cheerful singing a few days later.

He's living with her and it's sort of a joke really.

"Heya." She shimmies as she moves and Robert usually ignores her happiness in this ridiculously sad way because she reminds him of his mum like that. "Oh come on Rob, _smile_. It's a nice day, I think we should hit the town later."

Robert shuts his eyes as he approaches her kitchen table and feels her forcing toast under his nose. It's only been three days and yet he's painfully missing what could have been hours of peace and quiet alone.

He's not a fucking recluse or anything but Vic is overbearingly kind at times and some _space_ would be delightful as she turns up the radio and decides that she can go in later for work and bother Robert at breakfast.

She pulls a hand through her hair and smiles as Robert gathers his senses and finally speaks.

"Hit the town?" Robert locked onto that, and now he can't help but look at her strangely. "With you? He asks.

Vic rolls her eyes. "Or you could go with your _boring_ mates from work, _Clive_ or -"

"I get it." Robert waves a hand out and declines for as long as he can before she's mentioning the firefighter from the other night and Robert arches his eyebrow. "He was just doing his job."

Only apparently she doesn't think so and that only makes him roll his eyes. Apparently she'll drop it if he lets himself _loose_ for one tiny night of the year and -

He's in some ridiculous bar on the hippy side of time seven hours later sort of regretting ever leaving his flipping house.

That's when he feels a hand on his shoulder all relaxed and sloppy and when he turns around it's only Aaron isn't it? Once again he seems a bit started and doesn't say anything until Aaron's pointing to himself in an attempt to jog Robert's memory or something.

"Fancy seeing you here." Aaron says, and Robert sees a hint of blush almost like he's a little shy or something himself.

Robert nods a little. "Not really my scene but Vic wanted a tag along so here I am.”

Aaron doesn’t even seem to be listening to him, just keeps staring into his eyes and then smiles. “You don’t have to be a tag along. You could pull.” He shrugs.

Robert scoffs for a second. And then he regrets it because it sounds like he hasn’t done this in a while.

“I could yeah.” Flirting. Fucking flirting is going on now and his heart almost flutters.

Aaron does this thing where he stretches his eyebrow and sighs. “I probably won’t. The straight to gay ratio in the team means I’m always here.”

Robert blinks quickly, almost can’t speak until he’s clearing his throat. “That’s hardly fair.” He says, and for a second he loosens himself under Aaron’s smile. 

Robert hears his sister laughing into someone's chest and Aaron smiles a little. "She's got her hands all over my mate." Robert pretends like he cares and Aaron keeps talking to him.

He keeps talking as if he’s interested and the boys on the other side of the club are all watching and he can only think of one thing.

This is some sort of dare.

It sort of has to be doesn't it?

Aaron's younger, fitter, has the biceps popping out of his top to prove just that and Robert is on the wrong side of being classed as a little weedy. He's also older and already has had to be saved by the younger man from his feckless sister's attempts at sorting out his love life.

Essentially the list of reasons why Robert would be able to talk to Aaron is not as high as the list of reasons why this is all some stupid bet.

Adam and the others laughing and pointing at Aaron and him at the bar only intensifies all of his fears and makes him finally snap.

"If the bet is for snog, you can look elsewhere."

And with that he's off like some sort of year eight kid with parental issues.

The atmosphere outside the club is a little more relaxing, he feels like he can breathe again which is good and he doesn't feel like there's a million eyes watching him which is even better.

He's a joke, he _knows_ he's a joke for not being able to look Aaron in the eye and tell him to do one but that's how he is. He's an idiot.

He's an idiot who doesn't even see Aaron approaching him whilst he has his head down.

"Robert." The name still doesn't sound right in Aaron’s mouth and he doesn't know what to say to it. He starts walking instead until Aaron hooks his arm and he has to stop. "Just hang on a sec. Let me buy you a drink."

Only there's one question Robert can't seem to get his head around. "Why?" He asks. "I don't get -"

"Because I want to." For the first time since seeing Aaron, Robert sees a little vulnerability about the bloke. His eyes dart about the place and he holds a hand across his purple jumper and seemingly doesn't want to let go. It must provide him with some sort of comfort and Robert gets that. 

He doesn't get why he's almost being pursued however. That's ridiculous.

"Not for - for a _bet_ or -" Robert blushes under his accusation and Aaron frowns at him and kicks a stone, hands in his pocket suddenly and there's a level of softness between them which Robert doesn't want there. "It's usually me being the difficult one."

That makes Robert's eyes flicker a little. "Difficult?"

Aaron nods. "I pretty much saved your life and can't even get a drink off of you."

"Thought you were buying me one?" Robert says, and something settles in his chest as Aaron smiles at him.

 

::

 

He's not ashamed to admit he gets wasted in the best way possible, a nice, calm, _relaxing_ sort of wasted.

He's also not ashamed to admit that Aaron's a fucking brilliant kisser and has him pinned up against a wall about three hours later.

Aaron’s blabbering about something and Robert just takes the plunge and kisses him and doesn’t know why exactly he should stop.

Vic's long forgotten and so are all of his other anxieties so that it's just him and Aaron and they collide in this magnetic way.

"I'd say your place or mine but -"

And Robert kisses him again just to shut him up.

And also because he wants to. He really really wants to.

 

::

 

Robert only really sees Aaron's flat once Aaron's slumped off him and has finished grunting and gasping and making Robert feel stupidly alive.

It's pokey. Robert's is biggest, more artistic and colourful than what can only be described as a black hole furnished with a couple of family pictures and a games console.

Aaron has a hand wrapped around Robert's hair as he catches his breath and then he smiles a little shyly.

"You're quiet. Thought I was." Aaron mumbles, clearly a little sleepy now as he nestles his neck towards his pillow and pulls the covers across his naked body. Robert looks down at him for a second and then longer and he bites his lip.

"Sorry. I -" Robert looks at Aaron and then has this sudden need to kiss him again. It's almost like Aaron's helped him a little, made him relax more and go after what he wants.

And what he wants is Aaron's mouth on him, everywhere, and he gets it.

He genuinely _enjoys_ letting loose like this, hands flying and then pressing down on Aaron's hand and for a second he could really fucking let Aaron in a little more but -

He sees Aaron's uniform staring at him across the room. It's hung up, probably smells of smoke, and it makes Robert's heart clench. He comes embarrassingly fast regardless because Aaron's good at sex, and then he pulls up and Robert can't look him in the eye.

"Hey." Aaron breathes close to Robert's ear and Robert gulps hard. "You alright?"

Robert nods a little. "Aaron I like ya." He feels himself falling over an edge of something too fast and Aaron just smiles at him a little.

"Yeah well you're not too bad yourself. It's sort of why you're here." Aaron shrugs, small circles across Robert's thigh.

It hitches Robert's breath.

"Leave your number, we can uh - I don't know if you want to do -"

"Yeah." Robert says, because it was fucking great but -

"Just sex. I don't - don't want anything else."

Only Aaron's eyes flicker. "Yeah." He shrugs. "You're fit, this was good. I - don't usually -"

"Sleep with people you've saved?" 

Aaron turns red, tells Robert to piss off and then gulps. "You were different though."

And Robert's probably always going to be plagued by what exactly makes him special but he shuts that off for now.

He'll ignore a lot of things if it means Aaron does that thing with his tongue.

 

::

 

Vic asks questions about where he goes some nights and he mostly ignores them considering he's still got a few weeks until someone can pull their finger out and finish his kitchen.

For now he just lets her indulge in her own fantasies about her brother being happy and the thing is he _is._ He's happy when Aaron drags him into his flat, strips him bare and makes him feel like everything can be so simple and happy.

But it's always short lived.

It's that way because that's what Robert tells himself he wants.

"You don't have to rush off." Aaron says one night, fired up for another round or maybe just because he doesn't want to stay in the bed alone but Robert knows he shouldn't be here like this.

It's sex.

It's really great sex _and_ he can forget that Aaron's a firefighter whilst they make each other happy for a little while. But then everything sets in and he doesn't want to be apart of Aaron's world.

He _isn't_ , this is just _sex_ , he _knows_ that but even _if_ he wanted to take Aaron out for dinner or doing something nice like, it wouldn't work.

Robert won't allow it to work for good reason. It plays over and over in his head as he does his buttons up and Aaron's mouth gapes open a little before he hesitates.

"Are you not out?" Aaron shouldn't be asking questions, they talk about shit, meaningless empty shit and Robert always catches the zip against it all before everything else flows out. He's not sure what Aaron's agenda is but he doesn’t want to know either.

"I mean with - with your sister. Your family. Sorry I -"

"How comes you want to know?" Robert stops for a second, decides he's maybe being too short with the bloke who he's slept with more than a couple of times now.

Aaron shrugs. "You don't talk about - who you are."

"Neither do you."

Aaron could easily tell him to do one but he doesn't. "Fair enough." He does this awkward thing with his neck and then sighs. "You got someone then?"

And Aaron has a way with words doesn't he? He manages to make Robert frown again and struggle to put his watch back on.

"A bird. A bloke or -"

"No." Robert says, finally, just to be put Aaron out of his awkward misery and it seems to relax Aaron's shoulders to a level that Robert welcomes. "But that doesn't mean you can't - you know - as long as you're safe then -"

Aaron bites his lip, and Robert can't read his expression. He almost doesn't want to know exactly what Aaron's thinking because that's terrifying really.

"Cheers." Aaron says, pulls the covers up towards him and Robert nods a little before he leaves.

They don't kiss or anything like that, no sweet goodbyes because this is just a bit of fun.

They are both clearly aware that they are good at sex, that they _like_ having sex with each other and Robert doesn't want to think of anything else when it's like that.

It's sort of why he doesn't want to talk all that much after sex, pillow talk will only gets his dick soft as he hears Aaron speaking about _his_ job and suddenly he'll be flooded with memories about his own link to fires.

Aaron's not to know, he doesn't blame him when he lays flat on Robert's front and uses his hands to form circles a little gently around Robert's chest. "You alright?" He asks, nearly trips on his words and Robert nods.

"You got loads of freckles." He says, "Hadn't noticed it before now, all over your arms and everything." Aaron's soft for know reason sometimes, makes the hairs stand up on Robert's skin.

"Vic hasn't got any. Just me." Robert has a hand hesitantly on Aaron's back and he likes the way it rests there.

Aaron raises his head, presses his body up so that he has his hands over Robert's thighs. "Not your mum or -"

Robert's eyes flicker, "She’s dead."

Aaron's face falls a little, "Shit, sorry I -"

Only Robert doesn't want to stop talking about her, he doesn't know Aaron all that well and yet he feels like he can begin to get it all out.

He opens his mouth to speak, only Aaron's phone is going off and he's being called into work.

It's horrible, it _hurts_ , the way everything is crashed back down to earth and their worlds manage to push passed each other and ache.

Aaron needs to go, he needs to go and run into a fire and help people and Robert is paralysed with this feeling he doesn't quite understand for a second whilst he sees Aaron running around and trying to get his uniform on.

"Robert?" Aaron shakes Robert with his voice, and the older man is startled yet again by Aaron as he sees what he is wearing. The whole thing. The whole uniform.

It makes him _gulp_ and not in the sexy turned on way.

Only,

"I'd say you can sit around and wait to undress me when I get back but -"

"Sorry. I'll go -"

Aaron does this weird thing with his belt and brings his phone up to his ear to look at a text or something before he's just walking towards the door.

"Let yourself out yeah?"

And he slams the door shut as he goes.

He just slams the door and Robert doesn't know how to move.

 

::

 

He has a dream about his mum, he hasn't had one for ages and he doesn't know what he's supposed to do until he wakes.

He isn't in his bed, it all smells like Aaron and Robert hates to admit that it's a comfort. He sort of hates him, it's what he thinks when he looks up and sees him coming towards him with a coffee.

"Thought I said do one?" Aaron jokes, his voice is like gravel, hair soft and Robert doesn't smell smoke.

He's also alive which is -

Robert likes that.

He sits up a little and then sighs. "I nodded back off, sorry."

Only he didn't, only he couldn't get back to sleep for hours and when he *did he spent most of the night tossing and turning.

"Sort of glad you stayed." Aaron says, takes the coffee from Robert's hand and sets it aside before climbing on top of him. "Saving civilians sort of worked up an appetite for me."

And Robert, he manages to set things aside in his mind like some sort of freak. He boxes off his anxiety and all his panic and he smiles and says,

"I think I can help with that."

 

::

 

Vic ends up knowing, she finds out that he's seeing the fit firefighter and childishly calls _snap_ because she's been out with Aaron's best mate.

She talks about them double dating, she talks a lot about all of it and Robert doesn't want to think about any of that.

"It's not like that with us - it's - " Robert nearly cringes as he speaks about his suddenly existing sex life. "It's causal."

Vic doesn't say anything for a second, legs swinging under the table and a hand stirring a mixing bowl. "Why do I think I know _why_ it's casual?"

Robert just frowns at her, something stretching across his mind because it doesn't take a genius but he isn't going to say it aloud and neither is Vic.

No one _needs_ to say anything anyway.

Robert just concentrates on the fact that she's baking with a cupcake oven and not the real one.

 

::

 

Aaron likes talking about a lot of things, but he's also humble about his job.

Robert would praise him if it didn't hurt so much.

And it seems to really hurt, not because of Aaron, but just _because_.

He still can't seem to get his head around the fact that Aaron's stupid enough to get himself into situations where he could rather _easily_ just _die_. It doesn't make sense and to be honest, Robert doesn't want to even try and find out why.

"Save any lives today?" Robert asks, because he's polite, because Aaron's been more than generous tonight and he is a good looking fucker.

"Mother and son." And it's almost like the universe is telling Robert not to divulge anything to him, it's all so so suddenly too close to him but thankfully Aaron doesn't seem to notice.

"Quite the hero." Robert says, nuzzles his cheek down across Aaron's shoulder and then Aaron does something soft and holds his hand up in Robert's.

"Not really. Just doing my job." Aaron says, and Robert's hand is clammy in Aaron's but he doesn't want to let it go.

It makes Robert want to dare to ask him _why_ he does it because it's becoming harder too ignore. It's becoming so hard to pretend like Aaron doesn't have the job he has.

"Yeah well, it's hardly like mine is it?"

And Aaron has this thing where he calls Robert a pen pusher.

They shouldn't have any _thing_ but they do so -

"Nah. But everyone's different aren't they?" Aaron says, "You being fit makes up for your boring job." He shrugs, all smiles suddenly and he manages to make Robert's toes curl a little as he kisses him deeply.

Robert likes forgetting all about Fire when he's around Aaron.

 

::

 

He doesn't see Aaron for a bit, well a bit more than a bit really. He's busy with work and he's finally back at his old flat and settling back into the feel of things.

The tiles are silver now, they used to be this edgy black shiny thing but Robert fancies a change.

He's also starting to shrug a lot more now, wonder why he has to always overthink. He says yes a lot more than no and that's probably why he ends up back at some bloke's house whilst Aaron texts him that he's working.

The guy isn't that special and Robert fucking hates the fact that he gets to compare him to Aaron.

He doesn't want to compare him, or the way he makes him feel, or how good he is at things. He doesn't want to but he does and it doesn't even matter anyway because Aaron's probably running through a burning building as they speak.

He's half a world away.

 

::

 

The next time he sees Aaron, it's everything heightened.

He's clearly been missed by the way Aaron pins him against his wall and kisses his neck. It's weird, it's _new_ , it doesn't happen but Aaron's hands are all hastily drawn around Robert's waist and it's like he can't stop kissing him.

Robert is too busy wrapping his hands around his jacket and trying to strip himself he that's when he smells it.

He smells _smoke_ on Aaron's jumper and it makes him jump back like he's a fucking three year old.

"What?" Aaron's jumpy as well, he's all fucking beautiful with his lips all swollen and eyes filled with a deep softness.

"Sorry. I -" Robert doesn't know what to actually say, he doesn't understand what's happening but it's like his whole body stiffens into something cold and unmoving. "Sorry." He drops his head and Aaron raises it gently.

"Are you okay?" Robert hears it all, just manages to smile for a second and try to move passed it because he's sick of having to hold back for no reason.

"I'm stupid sorry." Robert says. "Come here." He manages to hold Aaron by the back of the neck and then drags him towards the bed with a soft ease that makes Aaron laugh.

"Someone's glad I didn't die before we had sex again." Aaron says more jokey on the verge of being offensive things than Robert has ever given him credit for and it shakes him a little.

Because he's not going to admit to it is he?

He's not going to admit to the fact that he was thinking about that for a long time. For too long.

"Shut up and let me kiss you." Robert says, and after, they're laying back and Aaron is playing with the sheets. "I should go." He says, it's his mantra usually, only this time Aaron frowns just a little at him.

"What if I didn't want you to?" Aaron says, eyes hooded, soft around him and Robert's heart clenches.

"Piss off." Robert laughs it off because what else can he do? Only Aaron's face drops and Robert doesn't know what to say for a second before he's getting to his feet and Aaron makes a grab for his hand.

"Why do you keep coming back?" Aaron asks.

Robert just keeps frowning at him like his face can't do anything else. He's not stumped. He fucking knows why. The list seems to keep getting longer.

Aaron's endearing. It's the simplest way he can put how he feels.

But -

"You're good in bed. We're good in bed." Robert says, hands loose around the shirt he was wearing half an hour ago.

Aaron squints at him like he's a little confused. "I'm just a body. You don't know all that much about me, and I don't know all that much about you either do I?"

"I know enough to come back." Robert says, only Aaron just looks at him, just keeps looking at him and he seems all vulnerable sitting there naked. "Aaron, is there something -"

"Surname?" Aaron asks, like he needs to know, like this is the way he's trying to get to know Robert or something.

"Sugden." Robert gives him, feels something stretch out over him as Aaron comes towards him and kisses him slowly. "Happy now?" Robert pulls back, and Aaron tries to drag him back down but Robert resists.

"I have work tomorrow morning." Robert explains, and Aaron fucking _sulks_ and for a second Robert wonders if Aaron is like this with other people. If he's on the right side of needy, affectionate, _soft_. "How about we - I don't know, we could do something on the weekend. Maybe I could take you -"

"Thought this was just sex?" Aaron says, teasing just a little with his words and Robert pokes as Aaron prods.

It's all push and pull and sometimes Robert forgets that it can only go so far.

"Sex and dinner." Robert offers with just a look and Aaron seems more than satisfied.

 

::

 

Leyla from work sees a text and loses her mind almost as badly as Vic usually does. It's an _innocent_ one, just Aaron explaining that he has a night shift tonight and it makes Robert's heart clench a little with this ridiculous feeling.

He'd rather not know. Only Leyla wants to know a lot.

Only he doesn't know anything about firefighting, about what shift works best for Aaron, how many hours he puts in.

"You're a terrible boyfriend."

And that sends him into a tizzy like nothing else. He raises his head, stops filing away shit and looks straight at Leyla over the desk.

"I'm _not_ his boyfriend. We're not - it's not like that at all." Robert gets out, only it's all high pitched, all over the place and Leyla isn't having any of it. 

"I know things Sugden." She says vaguely, all pink suit and bright lips and ridiculous.

Robert rolls his eyes at her and pretends like she hasn't shaken something in him a little. But then Vic only adds her specially designed extra strong fuel to the fire and brings him up as she comes round to his.

"All I'm saying is Adam is his best mate, and he reckons you and him are practically always together." She's dicing vegetables and should be concentrating, only she's got her full attention on Robert's love life.

Well not - it's not a _love_ life but -

"Well we're not. I wouldn't do that."

He shouldn't have said the last past. It gives the whole game away and the elephant in the room starts running around the place and making noise. He closes his eyes against it and then sighs as Vic sits opposite him.

"I just want you to be happy." She says, shoulders all hunched and heavy and _sad_ and sometimes Robert wishes his mum was still around just for _her_. Just so she doesn't have to carry this weight around by herself, all this _worry_ for a brother who has never fully grieved and doesn't know how to function like he should.

"I am." Robert shrugs out, "If it makes _you_ happy I'm taking him out on Saturday for something to eat."

Her eyes sparkle, and it _does_ make her happy although in the grand scheme of things it means a grand total of fuck all.

"Good." Vic tucks her hair behind her ear and squeezes Robert's hand tightly. "Him being - being who he is doesn't need to be anything really. Look at me and Adam."

It makes him let go of her hand and shake his head.

It means _everything_.

Robert is fully aware now, weeks later, nearly months, that if Aaron _wasn't_ a firefighter things would be _different_. He would be better and supportive.

He'd tell Aaron he's beautiful and not leave so quickly, he wouldn't _want_ to leave.

"We don't talk about what he does. And that works for me. Casual - whatever this is - it works for both of us." Robert shrugs out. "The less I know about his job the better."

 

::

 

There's a massive part of Robert that wishes it was as simple as just ignoring what Aaron does for a living.

For the best part of the time he's with him, it works perfectly.

And then he hears about it on the news.

Aaron's gone and ran back into some burning building to save an elderly woman and Robert shouldn't be furious but he is.

He's fucking furious that Aaron risked his life _again_ to go back in and save another life when there's a billion over firefighters who could have done the job.

It doesn't make sense, none of it does and even seeing him makes Robert feel on edge.

"I'm not expecting a medal from ya but a kiss would be -"

"What's wrong with you?" Robert asks, heat in his voice which isn't there when he's usually with Aaron. He's usually all soft and painfully shy and ridiculous but now he can't help himself.

It's like all of this has gone too far and he's blind not to see it. He's been stupidly naive to think any differently.

Aaron frowns at him, all unsure. "What do you -"

Only Robert has an article right in front of his face to _prove_ how ridiculous Aaron is. He shoves it in front of Aaron and the younger man just gulps hard.

"You not a fan of newspapers?"

Robert sighs. "You went back in."

Aaron's eyes flicker. "Sort of my job."

"Not _yours_ , what makes you so special? Why couldn't anyone else go -"

They haven't argued, they haven't given each other _enough_ to argue over but now all Robert can think about is all this anger and uncertainty he feels and Aaron's too brave and stupid to see it.

"So you're _angry_ at me for doing my job?" Aaron has a hand on his hip like he's middle aged and annoyed and Robert probably deserves it but it doesn't stop him running his mouth about it all being too dangerous. "Is this your way of telling me you care because you're doing a great fucking job at -"

"I don't care!" Robert shouts, a little too loud, a little too aggressive and Aaron's eyes flicker for a second before he frowns.

"Clearly." Aaron waves a hand out and says after a few seconds. "You've never really cared, it's - this is all just a bit of fun right?" Robert can't bring himself to look up, just nods. "Well clearly not anymore." He says.

And Robert doesn't know how to feel now knowing he senses the tension and the heaviness about them which shouldn't even be there.

Robert knows it's his fault, he put it there, well his hapless brother did when he set the place on fire but -

The point is, it isn't Aaron's fault and he doesn't deserve this heaviness. Robert owes him that much.

"My mum wanted me to visit her, she was all concerned after this." He holds the newspaper up and Robert still has his head down. "I was going to ask if you wanted to come with, it could be a laugh but -"

Aaron trials off and Robert wonders how many times his job has cost him a proper relationship. Aaron seems used to this sort of conversation. He seems sad too which isn't fun to know.

"I think I should go." Robert says. "Just - not stick around. Not come back." He waves a hand out and Aaron just stares at him. "There were always others on both sides weren't there? It's - it was nothing." This was nothing, it was _nothing_.

Aaron hesitates. "'Course yeah." He agrees.

"Sorry - sorry for being so -" Robert doesn't have a word. "For what it's worth, you're really brave. Stupid. But braver than me."

Aaron is almost crying, Robert's sure he can see tears in his eyes but he ignores it for both of their sakes.

"Cheers." Aaron smiles but it doesn't meet his eyes.

And Robert finds his way towards the door.

 

::

 

Vic hears, because of course she hears. Adam probably tells her over a meal or something.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter at the end of day because he gets to have her going on at him about it for absolute hours.

“I just don’t get _why_.” Vic says, “You said it was going well, you said you were both just taking it slow and -“

Robert sighs hard, pulls this face and crosses his legs over his sofa as Vic followers him around and refuses to let it go.

“It just didn’t work out. It’s one of those things Vic. It happens.”

And it does. It does happen, so he doesn’t actually know why Vic is so upset and angry about it all.

Vic crosses her arms over, “Was it because of the article? In the paper?”

Robert’s eyes flicker and she runs with it because she’s Vic. He doesn’t have to say anything, he doesn’t even have to explain that he lost it with Aaron so ridiculously and nearly let his emotions spill out for Aaron to see.

The whole thing makes him cringe, it makes him want to forget ever actually seeing Aaron, being close to him. There was always going to be this massive ‘there’s no point in this’ wasn’t there?

Vic tuts, suddenly looks all sad for him and sighs. “Rob. It’s - it was a shock yeah, and I know how you feel about fire but -“

“You don’t Vic.” They _don’t_ talk about this, they never have really discussed the things that Victoria doesn’t remember. It isn’t fair, on both of them really. “I just - it’s better I walk away now before it all gets too much for me. It feels - it nearly did, when he’d smell of smoke or he’d have to leave in the middle of the night.” Robert shrugs a little, eyes wide and almost distant.

Vic doesn’t say anything, just has a hand over her brother’s and Robert is thankful about how close they are now. It’s a comfort, a soft comfort to think that this massive disaster in their family didn’t ruin _this_.

“It doesn’t have to be like this. If you explain, if you just tell him why -“

“And then what? I don’t want him to give up his job for me? It’s - it’s not that _serious_.”

Only it could be, only Vic says as much and he doesn’t know what to say back.

 

::

 

Aaron’s mopey. It’s what Robert hears Adam say the one time he decides to visit Vic’s flat and sees his long ridiculous body hanging over the sofa.

Vic seems to adore him and he is painfully jealous of her ability to look past his profession. He hates it all.

“Listen man, I’m just saying - Aaron misses ya.” Adam flaps a hand about and sighs and Robert closes to ignore what he’s saying in favour of just scoffing.

“Not me. Maybe the sex but -“

Vic scrunches her face up and Adam laughs. “He’s my mate, and I know him. He wouldn’t have been so forward and _nice_ when you first met if he didn’t like _you_ for _you_ and not just the sex.” He shrugs. “He’s a good looking lad, he wouldn’t need to go far for that.”

Robert blinks quickly and finds it hard to digest. “Well - we weren’t, we weren’t _exclusive_.” He hates this, he hates all of this and suddenly wonders when his life got to this point. He’s almost getting relationship advice from his little sister’s dunce of a boyfriend.

Adam gives his eyebrow a raise and clears his throat.

“What?” Robert regrets asking almost immediately, _especially_ when he finally opens up his massive gob and says -

“It was on his end. It was just you, that’s what he told me.”

It’s just a comment but it sends Robert’s head spinning unfairly. They had a thing going on, but nothing more than _just_ a thing and it’s not his fault if it meant more to Aaron than it did to him. He supposes perhaps that he didn’t help on certain occasions, maybe he was too soft or too warm around the younger man but that doesn’t mean that this is his fault.

Or it shouldn’t anyway.

Robert digs a hand into his pocket and Adam seems like he wants to drop it before he says one last thing to really just make Robert feel even more like shit.

“Aaron’s not the type to let people close, or to talk to _me_ about them so - maybe just stop being a dick about it all?”

Yeah, _he’s_ the dick.

 

::

 

“Does Adam know? About mum.” They’re walking through a park and he’s got a coffee in hand and Vic in his ear going on about Adam being more romantic than she thought.

It stops her a little and she frowns before nodding her head. “Yeah. I told him a couple of days ago. After you left mine actually.”

Robert envies her abilities almost instantly.

“He was great with it.” And Robert hates how he knew he would be, naturally Aaron wouldn’t be best mates with a horrible bloke.

“I don’t know how you do it.” It escapes him before he’s ready to say it and Vic frowns at him for a second before smiling.

“He makes me feel safe.”

And Robert doesn’t understand how Aaron could ever make him feel _safe_.

It’s not like he wants to understand but -

Still.

 

::

 

Leyla’s only gone and get engaged to her boring yet decent boyfriend Pete The Farmer.

It means that he’s dragged to a fancy restaurant and then a club straight after to celebrate. He’s enjoying himself, having an a-okay time before he gets a text from Aaron and it’s basically nothing but a few letters jumbled together.

Robert frowns down and decides that Aaron’s drunk and he should just turn his phone on silent to ignore him. It would be better that way.

It’s been over a week now and Robert’s done the smart thing and just turned off the TV whenever he hears about local fires in the area. It doesn’t stop the fact that he’s practically memorised the shifts Aaron works from their nights together and knows when he’ll be out there risking his life each night.

He’s thinking about him, annoyingly, _stupidly_ thinking about him as he sits by the bar and Leyla drapes an arm around him. “You look like this is a funeral and not a celebration.” She’s sipping champagne and too far gone to know what she’s on about but he decides to entertain her just because she’s so happy.

“I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“Hmm. About the fit fireman?” Leyla decides to sit and say all of this, doesn’t let go of her champagne flute as she speaks. “Vic said you ended things. Idiot.”

“Good reason.” Robert gets out. “It wouldn’t have worked.” He keeps telling himself that and Leyla is like everyone else, she’s telling him that never sticks around to find out and he feels like he can’t breathe under the reality of it.

He finds himself outside and in need of some air and self reflection like a loser when he hears the sound of someone being tossed out of a bar across from him. He subconsciously calls the bloke a twat before he realises that it’s Aaron.

“Alright - I’m _going_.” Aaron’s stumbling about a little and Robert just stares at him from across the street. He can’t move and Aaron’s stupidly beautiful even when he’s pissed. He watches Aaron pull into his phone like he’s going for his keys and Robert sighs hard before walking over to him hesitantly.

“Fancy seeing you here.” Robert echoes a former conversation and Aaron’s mouth gapes open in what looks like embarrassment before it’s anger and he pushes past Robert and tries to stagger down the road.

“Aaron, don’t be an idiot. Let me take you home.” He manages to catch up with him, holds a hand against Aaron’s chest and Aaron looks straight into his eyes, all wide and blue and beautiful.

“For sex?” Aaron stumbles back and forth a little, a hand resting across Robert’s waist and if anyone walked past now, they’d think they were long lost lovers.

“No. To get you to bed you idiot.” Robert says, finds himself already softening under Aaron’s vulnerability and it only takes a soft nod of the head for Robert to hold at his hand and get into Aaron’s car.

 

::

 

Aaron strips himself lazily whilst Robert grabs him a glass of water and he can hear thudding his feet against the floor and being foolishly passed it.

Robert shakes his head, almost shakes away the fact that he finds it all endearing and then he catches sight of a picture of Aaron and who is probably his mother. She’s squeezed against his side and Aaron’s waving a certificate out in front of him, has the full kit on and a massive grin on his face.

For a second, Robert feels his heart blossom with pride and then he tells himself to wise up and ends up smiling softly at Aaron by the door of his bedroom.

Aaron’s stretched out against the bed in just his pants and he’s tossing and turning about until Robert pushes him up on the bed and makes him drink some water. It won’t really make a difference but he supposes he should sober him up if he’s working tomorrow.

He doesn’t want Aaron facing anything more dangerous.

The thought makes him sound like a worried husband. He hates himself.

“Are you alright?” Robert asks, tilts his head a little as he looks at Aaron who looks like he’s about to be sick.

“I was.” Aaron whispers. “I had my tongue down someone’s throat and everything a few hours ago. But -“ Robert winces against it and tells himself to keep it together. “He wasn’t you, was he? He -“ Aaron closes his eyes for a second and Robert wonders if he’s crying or not. “I tried.”

“Aaron ...”

“Why can’t you just tell me?” Aaron says, tears in his eyes too suddenly for Robert to ignore. “I know - I know something’s _wrong_. I know you.” He’s slurring now, hardly making sense outside the word’s he’s saying and it makes Robert’s heart thud.

“There’s nothing to say.” Robert lies, because he wants to, because he feels like he needs to.

Still, despite the way Aaron holds his face lazily and brings his forehead close to his.

“Adam told me you - you had your reasons and I deserve to know ‘em.” Aaron mumbles, almost mumbling. “Because I care about you, I just - I didn’t sleep with anyone else ‘cause I care about _you_ and -“

Robert hasn’t heard any of this from someone since he was a kid. He’s had relationships thank you very much but never like this. Not that this is one but -

“You don’t care about me though, if ya did, you wouldn’t have cut things off.”

Robert drops his head and presses his lips softly against Aaron’s. He cares. He cares too much.

“It’s not you. You’re - you’re fucking amazing.” Robert’s hands shake a little and Aaron looks caught up in his surprise in this beautifully endearing way. “It’s - it’s me. I’m the problem.”

Aaron frowns, all confused as he has a hand clinging to Robert’s shirt. “Just tell me, and we can sort it.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “You can’t. I’m sorry Aaron.” He whispers, genuine emotion in his voice which is stretched and confused. Aaron doesn’t say anything, seems to let it go as he rests his head against his pillow and looks up at Robert.

“You’re amazing too.” Aaron’s voice is like jelly and Robert feels light. “Don’t go.” He whispers, “Don’t want you to.” He mumbles against his sheets and Robert feels needed for the first time in his life.

He holds Aaron’s hand, almost smiles before he see his thick boots in the corner of the room and everything around him turns cold.

 

::

 

Aaron all but topples onto Robert the next morning and then groans about it being too light in the room and Robert’s giant body taking up too much space.

Robert bites his lip against it and waits for Aaron to come to his senses and _remember_ last night and -

“Shit.” Aaron whispers, rubs a hand over his face and Robert pulls the covers tighter over his body as Aaron looks at him. “You - you stayed?”

And he did. Like a stupid idiot.

There was no way he could _leave_.

“I stayed.” Robert whispers, nods his head a little and has a hand placed on the bed firmly.

Aaron offers him a half smile and then blinks. “And that means what? I -“ He stops himself. “You felt sorry for me, bought me home, stayed ‘cause you didn’t want me choking on my own vomit?”

It’s crude and nothing like the truth. “ _No_. I stayed because I wanted to.” Robert gets out. “I know - I know that’s hard to believe considering -“

Aaron’s more awake now, Robert’s sure he has a banging headache but the night laying tight against each other may have just softened things enough to make Aaron speak with passion now. “You ended things. It’s what _you_ said you wanted.” He’s clearly confused, clearly has a fucking right to be and Robert hates himself, naturally.

“Don’t - just, why do we have to go round and round on things?” Robert asks, a soft confidence, practically bold. “I like you. I like this -“

Aaron nearly gives in, and Robert nearly kisses him before Aaron is pushing at his chest. He’s pulling _away_.

“There’s something.” Aaron says suddenly. “I remember Robert.” He says, “There’s a _reason_ why you didn’t want this to carry on so why don’t you just tell me.”

It ruins everything.

Two worlds are now suddenly trying to collide and Robert’s seemingly not strong enough to stop it anymore. It hurts. It pains him to watch Aaron sit there and try to figure out for himself.

“Is this an affair?” Aaron whispers, eyes flickering and a worry in his voice which Robert quickly destroys.

“No, Aaron.” Robert stops himself short. “I said last night, it’s not you. It’s - it’s nothing okay? Nothing I can’t - can’t bring myself to ignore.” He’s an idiot for being cryptic.

He’s an idiot for not having the balls to say the truth and that’s probably why Aaron tells him to do one a few minutes later.

“You can’t _explain_ anything and I’m done with being messed about. So just go.”

And go he does.

He goes and spends the whole day kicking himself, thinking about how pathetic he is, how it’s not as scary as he imagines it to be at all.

Aaron’s lovely. Stupidly, overwhelmingly lovely if you push past his flaws and yet Robert is still this really private mess of a man.

He’s not sure exactly what forces him back into Aaron’s flat hours later, maybe all the internal bullying which went on but this time, he tries.

He really tries.

“Robert I haven’t got time for this.” Aaron’s got a hand on his hip and is heating something in his microwave. “My head ‘urts and -“

“I just want to explain. I just want to say sorry.”

Aaron’s mouth gapes open a little like he’s surprised and then he gulps hard. “It’s not like we were together is it? You said it yourself, it was _fun_. It was just _sex_.”

Was.

Robert’s not a fan of the past tense suddenly.

“I know. It’s what I said. The first time, and the second and the third - because it was all I could do.” Robert says, “Because of who you are, who I am. It -“

Aaron rolls his eyes, he doesn’t get it. He’s making it so hard and Robert wants him to shut up.

“Why are you making it so complicated? What - why can’t you just _tell_ me what’s holding you back from saying fuck it and giving this a go?”

Robert’s stunned for a second. He doesn’t say anything and his eyes flicker. “Giving this a go?” He whispers and Aaron turns bright red and shrugs suddenly.

“Or whatever. I don’t know.” Aaron shakes his head and he’s clearly blushing. “I want you back in my bed and - I missed ya. I - I just want to know why you can’t feel that back?”

“I do.” Robert admits, awkward and rushed and too much for him to think about as Aaron stares at him. “I - I just -“ He blows out a breath and steadies himself. “The thing is -“

Aaron’s phone goes off, an alarm, something and suddenly he’s swearing.

“My shift.” He’s running around the place, blaming Robert for making him nearly forget and Robert hears his heart thud in his chest. “Carry on talking. Come on.” He says from the other room and Robert can’t. He can’t think about anything now he knows that Aaron’s working again.

He’s flooded with smoke and pain and screams and Aaron -

Aaron’s going to put himself through all of that.

“Robert?” Aaron’s right in front of him now, basically all his uniform on now and car keys out. “You know what, _fine_ , just don’t be here when I get back.” Aaron says, sulks, stalks to the door.

Robert sees him running into the building, it all falling down on him.

“Please don’t die.” He whispers, eyes wet, hands clammy and Aaron turns right around and faces him with his eyes wide.

He doesn’t say anything for the longest time and Robert can’t breathe.

“Just - don’t die like her. Don’t - don’t hurt yourself, be safe and -“ Robert is fumbling about and he wasn’t supposed to do it like this. He was supposed to be calm and cool and clear. He isn’t making sense but he’s beyond that now. “I don’t want you to go too.”

Aaron’s suddenly got a hand on his arm, his face, his waist. He’s everywhere and he kisses Robert’s cheek tenderly.

“I’m not going to _die_.” Aaron almost says it like a promise, like he can and it’s pathetic.

Robert tells him as much. “You don’t know that.” He says. “She didn’t either. She probably tried to get out so _badly_ but -“

He remembers her screaming, his hands burning from the heat of the place and the way he couldn’t get through. He remembers the silence that followed. He doesn’t know what was worse.

“Who’s she? Robert. Tell me.” Aaron’s got tears in his eyes as he holds Robert’s face.

“My mum.” Robert practically whispers it. “What if you die like her?” He says suddenly and Aaron brings him into this crushing hug without saying a word.

 

::

 

He rings Adam. He calls whatever this is an emergency and gets out of his uniform quickly as Robert sits on his sofa with his knees towards his chest.

“I’m sorry.” Robert keeps saying that and Aaron just keeps shaking his head. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you like that.”

Aaron sits next to him slowly and plays wit his hands. “It makes loads of sense now.” He says. “Especially the article thing. You - you were so angry and I didn’t understand.” He gulps hard and Robert dares to look at him.

“I was petrified and I wasn’t supposed to be. It was - this was just -“

“It wasn’t for me. Not ever.” Aaron says, almost boldly and Robert’s eyes flicker. “Yeah it - it would have been easier for you to say it was just sex but we made it more than that didn’t we?”

Without meaning to, seems to go unsaid.

Robert hates oversharing, all of _this_ basically but he manages to nod. “The first time you smelt of smoke I nearly bolted. It was just like I was _back_ there you know?”

Aaron nods slowly. “With your mum?”

Robert almost winces and Aaron apologies. “Don’t. It’s fine. Uh, she - my brother didn’t know she was in there and it got out of control.”

Aaron gulps hard. “I didn’t even know you had a brother.”

Robert thinks of Andy suddenly and sighs.

“We’re not close. Not anymore.” Robert plays with the hem of Aaron’s jumper and keeps his head down. “Not since really. We were just boys but it ruined everything ‘cause I - we had to watch it happen.”

Aaron pulls a hand across Robert’s hand and squeezes tight.

“I couldn’t get her out and I - it killed me. I wasn’t strong enough, I was letting her go and I couldn’t -“

It’s awful, he hasn’t spoke about this for years and Aaron just seems to be listening like he genuinely wants to. It’s enough to make Robert collapse against him a little and welcome an embrace.

“It’s okay. You’re okay, it’s okay to cry.” Robert thinks he feels Aaron kisses his head and then he has tears streaming down his face.

“And then you, you came along and I - I tried to stop myself but I couldn’t. You reminded me so much of what happened, it was so hard to ignore but I still came back didn’t I?” Robert can’t help but blabber on and Aaron holds him tighter.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says, vaguely, like he can’t even bring himself to unravel.

“You run into fires Aaron. And I run from them. And nothing’s going to change that.” Robert explains, eyes watery, eyes _sad_ and Aaron just frowns at him.

“Rob.” He says, for the first time. “It’s not just that simple, I care about ya.” He almost wines, almost can’t think of anything else to say. “What happened to your mum, it was _awful_ , but it can’t hold you back from things like this.”

Robert knows what he’s trying to say but he can’t find a way of letting him down gently again. Instead he kisses him.

“You listened.” He breathes into Aaron’s mouth. “You let me speak about her.” Robert almost smiles and Aaron has a hand over his cheek again.

“I’m so sorry about what happened.” Aaron explains, eyes soft. “Rob, I’m so sorry but -“

But it doesn’t mean it’ll happen to me.

It’s what Aaron is going to say, Robert knows. Only he doesn’t want to find out so he kisses Aaron until he’s naked and they forget about their worries for a little while longer until Aaron is awake against Robert’s chest and kissing lightly.

“You okay?” Aaron asks gently, like he honestly means it. It makes Robert look at him and smile faintly.

“I’ve calmed down a bit yeah.” Robert realises that he needed to put his energy into something else, stretch it all out and make himself happy and it worked for however long they were going at it. “Thank you.”

But apparently he doesn’t need to thank Aaron. He just needs to be honest.

“Why do you do it?” Robert whispers, it’s practically still dark outside and Aaron has turned on his front so that he can look at Robert clearer.

He doesn’t say anything for a second and then he _does_.

“I - uh, I was a bad kid. First of all. My dad was shit.” He shrugs a little and then gulps. “My mum walked out on us and I couldn’t handle it so I broke the law and he kicked me out.” He starts playing with a loose piece of skin on his thumb and sighs. “Anyway I was getting by and then I found myself helping some poor bloke out of a fire he’s created for himself.” He’s smiling now. “ _Adam_. He wasn’t as bad as me, just lost his way a bit and we decided we want to make a difference, make a _change_ or whatever and prove everyone wrong so -“

“Running into burning buildings helped?” There’s this barrier he can’t get past.

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just gulps hard. “How comes you wanted to save lives so much, I just don’t get it.” He runs a hand through his hair and is startled to realise that there’s something else Aaron isn’t telling him.

Aaron bites at his lip and sits up a little. “Because I watched someone die too Rob.” He has his head down as he speaks. “My first proper boyfriend Jackson, he wanted to die after an accident and - well I helped it happen so -“

Aaron only seems younger in Robert’s eyes, always has yet now it’s like he’s got the whole world unfairly pressed down on his shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” Robert gets out, eyes red and sad for Aaron who seems to be heading back there in his mind.

“Yeah it got pretty dark but I -“ Aaron gulps. “I got through it, I sorted myself out and I wanted to do something that would save people. And I hated needles so I wasn’t going to be a doctor.” His shoulders hunch a little. “ _Then_ I saved Adam and I wanted to keep doing it. Robert it made me feel _alive_.”

Robert sees that in Aaron’s eyes and it’s almost terrifying. It makes something in his chest harden.

“I know you don’t understand that.” Aaron explains slowly, “I’m not asking you to.” Robert pulls his head down and Aaron gulps hard. “But -“

“It can’t work Aaron.” Robert’s brave for the first time in his life, he understands that he can’t keep dragging Aaron along when it isn’t fair. “I can’t get passed it and trust me - I’ve tried because I care about you but -“

Aaron frowns a little and he’s shaking his head already. “Please don’t -“

“This has to stop.” Robert hates how it didn’t even start properly. “I’m so sorry but I just - I just _can’t_ do it. I’ll be constantly worrying about you like I already am and it’s fucking _torture_.”

“I’ll help ya.”

Robert shakes his head and lets Aaron’s hands fall away. “You can’t. I’m sorry. This - it’s bigger than you and me.” He blinks quickly and Aaron sighs hard against it.

“Aaron you’re a hero, you’re amazing but -“

“A hero?” Aaron says, shakes his head. “According to you I’m crazy.”

“No. No you’re not I just -“ Robert shudders a little as Aaron kisses him.

“I’m sorry.” Robert pulls away. “It can’t work.”

 

::

 

Robert isn’t really in the mood for talking, he’s got Aaron on his mind and a million missed calls from him. He shouldn’t have run off like that, it wasn’t fair on him but it’s what he does.

Leyla knocks on the door and waves a hand in the air. “Is it safe to come in, you were a bit short with everyone when you came in?”

Robert has his own office for a reason, it’s to keep people out and also because he’s earned the position. He really has. He doesn’t expect Leyla to come over to him just to thump at his head.

“No I wasn’t.” Robert manages to say, “I’ve got a lot of my mind, that’s all.”

“Like, why you decided to just leave my party last night.” Leyla huffs, has an envelope under her arm and sighs. “I did try and call you but I supposed you were getting busy with the fire firefighter.”

He doesn’t say anything for a second, just hearing his name makes Robert feel guilty and he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t be guilty but he is. It’s overwhelming and he imagines Aaron after he left, he imagines him frustrated, angry, _upset_.

It shakes him a little and Leyla’s still there with a smile on her face. “I thought you and him were done?” She decides to sit down, gauges Robert’s silence and then sighs.

“We are. It was just a mistake.” Robert says, presses a hand towards his thigh and tries to get passed it as Leyla tells him that it may be for the best.

He knows it _is_ for the best. He knows.

 

::

 

Three days later, Robert has a dream, and it makes him wake up in the middle of the night sweating buckets.

He sees his mum, he sees her in the fire, he sees her dying and then he sees Aaron as well. He sees them merge. He sees them dying.

He’s suddenly grateful that Aaron’s far away from him.

 

::

 

Aaron eventually shows up at Robert’s flat when he’s in the middle of making dinner, towel over his shoulder and eyes wide as he sees him.

He’s missed him. He hates that he’s missed his stupid face.

“Aaron -“

Only Aaron doesn’t let him speak, he sort of just barges right past him and blows out a breath.

“Here.” He’s passing something to Robert, some sort of pamphlet and Robert’s unsure before Aaron sighs. “Take it.” He pleads.

Robert does, flicks through it and sighs as he sees that it’s counselling sessions. He practically cringes.

“I don’t need this.”

“Maybe not. But it helped me when I didn’t think it would.” Aaron’s eyes are still kind, almost like he can’t express any other emotion around Robert and it’s so endearing. Robert could kiss him for being the way he is, kind, gentle, considerate.

He almost hates all of it too because it manages to make all of _this_ so much harder. 

“You shouldn’t - it’s not your place to -“

Aaron holds his hand up and nods a little. “I know that, I do. It’s just -“ He gulps hard. “I want to help ya.” He says. “I care about you whether you like it or not.”

Robert has his hand down and there’s tears swimming in his eyes. No one has ever done this for him before, not like this.

“Rob.” It sounds gentle. “You need to speak about your mum, you need to deal with it in your own way.” He nuzzles his head close to Robert’s. “And this will help.”

Maybe it will. He just hasn’t been strong enough to do it yet.

Robert looks down at Aaron, at his lips, at his eyes. He wants to kiss him, Aaron’s so stupidly annoying for making it so easy to kiss him. “Aaron, I can’t be like this with you.”

“I’m not asking you to.” Aaron says suddenly. “I know it’s too much. But let me ‘elp ya with this. Please.” Robert still doesn’t know why Aaron thinks he’s worth all of this fuss. “As a mate.”

Robert thinks of it for a second, he doesn’t have many, and it’s not fucking sad, just a fact.

“What do you say?” Robert hears as he looks down at the pamphlet and then up at Aaron.

“Yeah.” He whispers finally, agrees.

 

::

 

He doesn’t tell Vic he’s going because she’d only badger him into letting her know how it all went.

He has a proper counsellor and it’s weird. She talks to him about things over and over again like she’s trying to get to the bottom of it all.

He’s told her about his mum, he feels like after a few sessions he’s always talking about her.

“She was great.” Robert manages to say, it hurts, it takes time because the first few times it honestly doesn’t happen. He just zips himself up and decides to tell her all about the fire.

She doesn’t think it’s as simple as the accident though, Lauren, with her soft eyes and brow hair and vegan tendencies.

Apparently it’s about a lot more than just the fire. It’s about the loss. It’s about the danger of fire and exactly what it can cause.

“I want to get over it.”

And of course.

“Why?”

It’s a natural question, one that he’s been avoiding. He suddenly think of him. He thinks of Aaron, how great he’s being, all the distance he is given. He’s a mate, it’s all complicated but he’s still a _mate_ and he is so thankful. He really is.

“Because I need to move on.”

“Do you have bad memories of your mother? Is that why?”

Robert frowns. “Course not.” He closes his eyes and sees her smiling at him, it’s not that.

“Then?” Lauren is starting to push now and he knows it’s for his own good but it also makes him want to stop. “Let’s talk about your brother, Andy. You haven’t spoke to him for years you said.”

He welcomes the change with a nod of his head.

“You still blame him?”

It’s complicated, it has to be doesn’t it? It’s _allowed_ to be.

“Not really. I - it’s weird, I just don’t think about him, don’t let myself.” Robert shrugs and Lauren seems to understand. “He’s happy. I’m - getting there so -“

There’s resentment there. Deep and underlining and Andy gets to be fucking happy.

“Maybe you should give him a call?”

It sounds bizarre, _stupid_ but -

Aaron squeezes his arm and tells him it might be good too.

He gives his stupid brother a call.

 

::

 

Aaron’s still supportive, that doesn’t end.

He meets him for coffee one afternoon a few weeks later and there’s still something between them but they don’t speak about it.

They basically choose to behave like adults and it’s odd.

“How’s it going then?” Aaron asks, and Robert nods, speaks openly before he frowns at Aaron, almost can’t help it.

“You - you look exhausted.”

Aaron blushes a little, gulps hard and sighs. “I had a late shift, it went on for a bit.” He says, he picks at a chocolate muffin and Robert holds his breath as he sees the large cut on Aaron’s hand, he keeps staring at it until he sees the burn blushed right up towards Aaron’s finger.

“You hurt yourself?” Robert asks, like he doesn’t know and Aaron yanks his hand down.

“I’m fine.” Aaron says, but Robert is almost certain that he’s lying. “Honest, it hurt yesterday but I got a medic to look at it straight away so ...”

Robert nods a little. He’ll take it, to be honest he just wants to stop thinking about Aaron in pain so he steers the conversation back onto himself.

“I told Lauren about my mum. We speak about her a lot.” Robert explains, and Aaron looks so proud of him.

He even leans across and holds Robert’s hand and -

Then he lets go suddenly.

 

::

 

Lauren pushes him even more today, his head is aching and he’s had another dream about the state Aaron was in. He can’t help himself, even when they’re are certainly _not_ together it makes him feel sick with worry whenever he leaves him.

“You seem agitated?” Lauren always says things like a question.

Apparently it’s what she’s supposed to do.

Robert bounces his knee and nods his head at the same time. “I get anxious.” He says, and sometimes his chest feels tight. “Sometimes.”

“And you are now?”

Robert gulps hard. “Aaron hasn’t text me back for a while and that’s ridiculous but -“

And then he has to explain who Aaron is. He has to actually talk about him and what they are and everything is muddled as he tries to get it all out.

“You haven’t mentioned him before.” Lauren leans forward a little. “Why?” 

“He’s a firefighter.” Robert waves a hand out like that’s all he has to say. “So now - he’s just a mate. That’s all he can be.”

It sounds pretty fucking sad when he says it like that, it makes his chest ache a little.

“What else is he?” Lauren asks, Robert frowns. “You said he was a firefighter, but that’s just a part of him right?”

Robert gulps hard. “I suppose.” He whispers. “He’s kind. Stupidly kind sometimes, and I don’t deserve it. He’s patient with me as well, and he’s grumpy.” That makes him laugh a little and everything gets caught in his chest.

“But he’s still a firefighter.”

Robert nods. “It shouldn’t mean everything but it does and I can’t - I’m petrified of fire and he doesn’t seem to care about that danger at all.” He frowns. “He’s explained it to me as well, and still I - I don’t get it. He’s this amazing brave bloke but I just can’t be the one for him can I?”

Lauren doesn’t seem to think so and it’s promising but also just makes him more confused.

“Your biggest fear is him getting hurt like your mum, but he could also get hurt outside of his job too you know.”

Robert gets it, the whole getting hit by a bus thing.

“Have you visited a fire station? He scoffs, gulps hard and apparently she doesn’t understand why he’s reacting the way he is. “It could help massively.”

Robert sits forward a little and shakes his head. “How?” He argues. “Being - being there would -“

“It could help you understand what they do, what training they go through. It might make it all seem less daunting.” Only they still run into fires.

He tells her as much and she just smiles.

“Maybe Aaron could help show you around. Help you realise that just because he’s a fireman doesn’t mean he’s going to die the same way your mother did.”

Robert raises his head at her simplicity and it makes him visibly cringe.

“What happened, you need to let it go if you want to be happy. And I know you do, and your mother, she would want you to be happy as well wouldn’t she?”

Of course she would, of course.

He nods and he suddenly imagines her seeing Aaron, hugging him, being kind.

“Let yourself be happy.” And he nods his head a little as she speaks.

 

::

 

Vic finds out about the sessions and she hugs him, she nearly cries and he fucking nearly cries too which is embarrassing.

She’s so happy for him, smiles and bakes him some muffins as a way of showing how proud she is of him.

And Robert accepts it.

 

::

 

“Hey.” Robert waves a hand out awkwardly, smiles a little and Aaron bites down on his lip.

He’s holding a water bottle and has a backpack on like he’s just about to go on a run.

“Sorry I didn’t realise you were busy when I text.” Robert flaps a little and Aaron just shakes his head.

“It’s fine, how are you?”

Robert pulls a face. “It’s going okay.” Aaron looks so happy for him and he suddenly wants to hug him but doesn’t know how. “Aaron.” He says and Aaron looks right at him. “I - I’m so glad you’re a mate you know.” He bottles it. He’s an idiot.

It’s weird, he’s never been mates with people he’s slept with because that’s just fucking odd yet here he’s now.

Aaron’s face falls a little and he kicks a stone against the pavement. “Same here.” He says, like he wants to mean it.

“I was - I text ‘cause Lauren reckons I should go inside a fire station.” Aaron’s eyes widen at that and Robert sighs. “Weird I know but - maybe you could show me around? I know it’s not allowed but it could help, with my - you know me being shit scared.”

Aaron nods slowly, brings himself closer to Robert and nearly wraps his arms around the older man but stops himself. “Sure.” He says, shrugs, like he’s trying to suppress how great the news is.

Robert can’t help but smile shyly.

 

::

 

He’s shown the basics and Aaron keeps verging on the edge of standing too close, flirting too much, making all his feelings clear as Robert tries to get his head around everything.

It’s not that hard really, he’s just thankful Adam isn’t around to make it harder with his ability to make a joke out of everything.

He’s not an emotional wreck or anything, Aaron helps him with his queries like a good little fireman and Robert knows he looks at him a little too softly when he speaks.

He looks at him sometimes like he doesn’t want to ever stop looking at him and knowing that is so petrifying that it hurts.

The softness between them is only broken when a siren goes off and a group of firefighters are running out to the engines. On instinct Robert holds Aaron’s hand and Aaron squeezes back.

“Shit. Sorry.” Robert is _embarrassed_ , blushes bright red and Aaron only tells him to stop being daft. “I’m twenty six Aaron and I jumped at the -“

Aaron kisses his cheek, just quickly, just softly but it settles something in Robert’s chest.

Aaron almost makes him feel safe.

It tingles through him.

“Let’s get out of here.” Robert whispers. “I fancy a burger.”

Aaron gulps hard, doesn’t say anything as if he’s trying to gauge if Robert is truly okay. “I never say no to a burger.” He shrugs.

And Robert smiles.

 

::

 

They end up in some grotty chicken and chip shop and decide to eat in the park opposite. They’re on the bench with their feet up facing each other when Robert sees Aaron flash a smile at him.

He’s content with things like this and then Robert wonders how he can be. He clearly deserves more, Robert wants him to have more and yet he’s here eating a dirty burger with the bloke who is too scared to be normal.

“You’re thinking a lot.” Robert hears Aaron say. “Must be something to do with your old age.” He shrugs and Robert gives him a half smile before sighing.

“Just about - about you.” Robert whispers. “I don’t know why you’re here.”

He’s being honest. It’s ridiculous.

“‘Cause you got me a burger.” Aaron waves a hand out and then gulps hard. “Because I want to be.” He clearly decides to be serious and Robert plays with his hands.

“You deserve better than me.” Robert says. “Whatever this is.” He waves a little and shakes his head. “I’m trying to be better but -“

Aaron _tuts_ and he _cares_ and Robert’s eyes flicker against it.

“Piss off about trying to be better Rob.” Aaron’s angry, his eyes are scowling and he’s frowning a little. “I like you a lot and I want to take it slow.”

Only Robert still frowns at him, won’t ever get why Aaron cares so much.

“I’ll be your mate, I’ll be here and -“

Robert decides to kiss him instead.

He decides to scoop Aaron up by his face and press his lips firmly against his and -

Robert forgets everything for a second and only wants this.

 

::

 

Robert lets it happen, he lets Aaron hold at his face and snog him in the middle of the park and for a second he almost feels like everything between them isn’t fraught with all of this conflict.

It shouldn’t be, Aaron pulls away and smiles and Robert smiles too.

And then he’s nuzzling his nose against Robert’s. “I missed you.” He whispers gently. “I really missed ya like this.”

Robert tingles a little. “With my tongue down your throat?” He feels light as he speaks.

“Yeah. With your tongue down my throat.”

Aaron laughs a little, kisses Robert deeper and then pulls back.

“Don’t know why you put up with me Aaron Dingle.”

And Aaron looks at him like he’s daring to say something but resits.

“Good thing I do then.”

And the rest is forgotten in kisses and it stays forgotten.

They don’t officially say they’re giving things another go. They don’t but they do.

Robert winds up back at Aaron’s and they have sex but it’s more than just two bodies. It’s Robert wanting Aaron properly this time and it’s a bit more romantic than ever done before.

It’s also filled with this sweetness to it which is almost sickly.

And Robert could get used to it until they bask in their afterglow and Aaron is stroking his arm. His uniform is hanging proud like always and Robert stares straight at it.

“It’s not as simple as me running into fires you know.” Aaron whispers. “There’s so much more to it. I know you don’t understand why but -“

“I don’t think I ever will.” Robert looks down at Aaron who for a second looks gutted. “But I doubt you’ll ever understand a marketing sheet so maybe we should just forget about trying to understand each other’s jobs.”

Aaron snorts against Robert’s tummy and kisses gently. He looks fucking elated, clearly, arms pulled wrapped around Robert’s neck and Robert clings back tighter.

Decides to fuck it.

Decides to be brave and grab Aaron with both hands, not let him go.

 

::

 

Robert has another session.

He feels like it should be his last but it won’t be. They’re outside today, he’s wearing some stripped t-shirt and the sun is shining.

He tells her about Aaron. He says that they’re sort of back on and he feels alive and he’s starting to not cringe whenever he thinks about Aaron at work.

She tells him that it’s good, she seems proud.

“So you’re officially dating?”

And they haven’t actually gone through that have they? It’s a massive thing to admit to. It means that Robert is choosing to be apart of Aaron’s life, apart of that worry his family probably feel. It’s enough to make his head spin and then he’s thinking of his mother again.

He’s thinking of her as Lauren scoots closer. 

“We haven’t, not -“

“Is something holding you back?”

And yeah, there is something. He just doesn’t know what exactly.

“You know, it won’t be like forgetting her. Loving Aaron won’t mean loving her less, ruining her memory, being disrespectful.”

And it’s like she’s in his _brain_.

It’s like she’s flicked this switch and he can’t breathe for a second but then -

“Love?” Robert trips on the word, on what is probably true if he allows himself to believe it.

Lauren smiles a little, shrugs like she’s not sure but apparently she is and Robert doesn’t know himself. He’s always been certain that he very much isn’t in love the proper way but now, now he could be.

It’s a stupid possibility.

 

::

 

He decides to tell Aaron he wants to make a go of it. He practically jogs to his flat and waits for Aaron to answer the door with a giddiness about him.

It’s cut short when Aaron opens it in a hurry almost, he’s half dressed and Robert wants it to be an invitation to bed but it clearly isn’t.

“You’re busy?” Robert has a hand in his pocket and blinks out quickly as Aaron smiles at him and begins walking back into his bedroom.

Robert takes it as a yes and follows him, watches Aaron practically standing there naked with a smile on his face and a hand reaching out for his uniform.

“You could say that, I’ve got an extended shift. The lads need more help.” He’s got a shift. He’s got a shift on and Robert doesn’t know what to say for a second or two.

He just nods and his heart hammers in his chest a little like he can’t stop it.

“I’ll be fine.” Aaron comes forward, one leg in his trousers as he touches Robert’s arm. It usually helps but Robert just feels like it’s stretching them back and he can’t get passed it all once again. “Promise.”

“Don’t promise that.” Robert whispers. “Not when you can’t.”

Aaron’s face falls a little and he doesn’t say anything. “Well - well no but -“

It’s enough to make Robert sit down and start shaking his knee up and down sporadically.

“Rob, give me some credit. I know what I’m doing.” Aaron’s saying, bent down now and pressing a hand down on Robert’s knee like he wants to help but it doesn’t stop all this anxiousness from vibrating through him.

“One slip up.” Robert whispers. “It only takes -“

“Rob.” Aaron almost warns, head levelled and voice strong. “You’ve _got_ to trust me.” He whispers. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Only Robert just shakes his head because he’s a joke. “I want to believe that but how can I? You’re asking me to honestly believe that your job isn’t always going to be in the way of us!”

Aaron’s eyes flicker as he stands there in his white vest and beefy arms out on show. He clearly has no idea what to say. “I thought the sessions were -“

“I thought so too but clearly they’re not helping are they? I came here because I wanted to give this a go but I -“ Aaron’s hopeful face falls and instead he’s turning red as Robert speaks. “It’s too hard. I can’t - when it comes down to it I just can’t see you do this to yourself.”

Aaron scowls. “It’s my fucking life Robert!” He shouts, and Robert’s eyes widen a little. “All - all my life people told me what to do, what I could do but this is something for _me_. It’s something I _love_. Why can’t you just -“

Robert shakes his head. “You know why.” He whispers, and his mum is right there, she isn’t smiling now, she’s dying and Aaron’s going to put himself in the same situation for a pay check.

It all bubbles up and he can’t control his anxiety now.

“Bullshit.” Aaron whispers. “If you felt - felt like I did then you’d try.” He says, all dangerously and enough to make Robert’s mouth turn dry as he hears towards the door. “So you’re dumping me, _again_?”

It stings, makes Robert turn around. “We never even began.” He says, floors himself and then shudders. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re _not_.” Aaron shouts. “You’re - you’re weak!”

“So why the hell do you care if I walk out and never see ya again then?” 

“Because I’m in love with you!” Aaron shouts, pushes Robert against the wall in his anger and for a second Robert is too stunned by the force to say anything. He just stares right at Aaron who has clearly shocked himself. “I think.” He whispers, bites down on his lip. “I’m sorry.” He flattens his hand down on Robert’s t-shirt and then pulls away.

He’s pacing like an old man and Robert still can’t take his eyes off him.

“You’ve messed me about, you’re clearly not ready but I still love you.” Aaron is more certain suddenly and he’s also crying which is fucking great. “I love you and I want to help you through this.” He says. “But you don’t feel the same.”

Robert can’t deal with it, he’s a kid suddenly who can’t deal with the fact that Aaron is somehow in love with him. He can’t speak for a second before he shudders. “Aaron, I -“ He shudders. “Like you said, I’m weak.”

Aaron shudders, “You’re not. I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry.” He gulps hard. “I’m sorry, I just -“ He frowns suddenly. “There’s no point. You don’t get to tell me to stop doing something I love.” 

“I wouldn’t ever want you to stop.” Robert says. “Well I would but - that’s why we can’t do this Aaron.”

Aaron doesn’t seem to think so, he’s the same as Lauren, as Vic, as Adam. They’re all fucking clueless.

Aaron looks fucking crushed, just stares at Robert for a second before he heads towards the door and Robert calls out for him. “Don’t be here when I get back, I don’t ever want to see you again. Just - just leave me alone from now on.”

He slams the door as he goes and Robert cries over a bloke in a flat that isn’t even his own for the first time in his life.

 

::

 

He has a chunky amount of time feeling sorry for himself. He cries and looks at pictures of him and Aaron on his phone like a loser and then Aaron’s house phone is ringing and he shyly answers.

It’s Aaron’s mum. And he has to awkwardly introduce himself as Aaron’s friend but she already knows who he is.

“ _Robert_.” Aaron’s mum - Chas - says down the line. “Yeah. He likes you a lot. Don’t say I said that.”

It makes Robert blush for a second and then he’s getting into a right state, maybe because she’s a mum and he hasn’t spoken to one of those in a while.

He skates around ideas and explains the main ones and she nearly gives him some sort of virtual hug as she hears it all. It’s mainly about why he isn’t good enough for her son and she calls him an idiot just like Aaron would have.

“I was exactly how you were two years ago. And yeah, you’ll have a few sleepless nights, even with the counselling, but he’ll come back every right. Our Aaron is loyal.”

Robert imagines him, arms tucked around him close and kissing Robert’s back and the older man finally being able to sleep again. It’s fucking soft but so is all of this feeling inside.

“Now don’t waste anymore time okay?”

And Robert,

He doesn’t.

It’s complicated and the station is ridiculously unhelpful in locating where Aaron is. Robert ends up driving to the wrong side of town and following an ambulance in hope that it leads him to where Aaron is.

He’s not nervous, in this weirdly surprisingly way. All he can think of is seeing Aaron’s face, kissing his sweaty fucking face and allowing it all to just _be_. Aaron’s worth it. He’s worth it and Robert’s always been too scared to admit to just that.

It’s why he’s here now, staring down what looks like an arson attack on a small house. There’s smoke everywhere and Robert wonders if he’ll be able to go through the barriers set up. He sighs against the limitation and then searches for exactly where Aaron could be. He’s drumming against his thigh just like Lauren said he should do when he’s nervous and there’s this little voice in his head that won’t go away -

It’s there, it’s telling him to find Aaron and be honest with him before -

He sees Adam emerge from the burning building, it makes Robert scarily take a step back and when he looks up Adam’s face falls. He hears him talking to one of the other firefighters quickly and then shakes his head.

“Get him out of here.” Adam shouts, he’s directing it Robert and seems to be rude enough to just ignore Robert’s calls about where Aaron is. He expects him to be a dick about it, expects Aaron to be waiting near the ambulance chatting to whoever they have saved.

He doesn’t expect to overhear what he does.

Aaron. Inside. Trapped.

It crushes something in his chest, and he feels like he’s collapsing as everyone just stands around flapping their arms about and trying to think of a way in. Apparently the entrance is difficult and they need back up and all Robert can hear is excuses as Aaron lays in there _alone_.

It doesn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense back when he was fourteen and it doesn’t make sense now.

What does make sense is making a fucking difference. And he’s an idiot. He’s an absolute dick but sometimes you can’t help yourself.

You run towards the fire even though you know you should be running away from it.

 

::

 

They’re all shouting for him to stop being an idiot, to come back outside. All he does is shake his head, pull his jacket across his front and scream Aaron’s name.

Everything is full of _heat_ in this unbearable way and Robert stumbles over something and watches it burn.

“Aaron!” Robert shouts, because he can’t stand back and do nothing can he? Not over again.

Not like this.

So he carries on looking, he carries on searching until he can’t breathe himself and then he falls straight onto Aaron’s body in this awfully dramatic way.

Aaron’s unconscious, he’s not moving, not breathing and Robert attempts to drag his body before collapsing down and clinging onto him. He’s never been this scared before in his life, surrounded by flames, Aaron lifeless against him and for a second he feels himself become woozy against it all.

He nearly gives in, and then he feels someone, something pushing life through him and he shakes Aaron quicker until his eyes flicker and Robert pressing his jacket over Aaron’s mouth.

He’s protecting the firefighter.

And it’s ridiculous.

“Hold on.” Robert shouts, coughing all over the place and Aaron grips hold of his hand and tries to push the jacket off of him, back towards Robert. “No.” He shakes his head, “You, you safe, you.” He feels the flames flicker towards him and he _shakes_ his this fear.

This sudden awful fear just wont let him alone and he can’t breathe even when Aaron holds his hand and stares into his eyes in this awe. He nearly closes his eyes, he feels it take over him even as Aaron tries to gather them up and fails, clearly too weak to move and petrified of being hurt.

It makes Robert’s chest collapse with this sudden calmness, this feeling of being overtaken by a reality he can’t ignore.

And then Robert feels a hand across his shoulder.

He thinks it’s a fucking dream considering the time it has taken, and he’s got tears streaming down his face as he shelters Aaron. But Adam’s still there helping him up and carrying Aaron over his shoulder and yeah maybe he’s not an idiot after all.

He carries them out just in time like some action packed movie hero and Robert vomits almost uncontrollably as he stares at the burning building he’s just beaten.

“Aaron?” Robert says, second later as someone pulls a blanket over him and brings a mask to his mouth. He entertains what they want from him for a second or two before he sees Aaron being carried away in a stretcher and Adam looks like he wants to cry. “What’s -“

Adam looks clearly shaken. “He lost his balance I reckon. He’s - it’s not great.” Robert’s face falls and his chin begins to wobble as he watches Adam try to keep it together. “He was there for - for a while.”

One slip.

Just one fucking slip.

Robert drops his head, eyes flickering and he’s going to be sick again. “They can help.” He says, like a kid. “They’ll help him.”

Adam nods slowly. “You helped. You - you gave your jacket but - let’s just hope it’s done enough.” His chin is all wobbly and Robert nods his head a little before wheezing.

“He’ll be the reason I have a cough for the rest of my life.”

Adam’s eyes flicker and Robert has tears rolling down his face. “Reckon he’s worth it.” He says.

Robert nods quickly. “Yeah, so do I.”

 

::

 

Aaron’s done scaring Robert it seems, he’s okay.

Robert’s got a mask over his face, burns which will heal and Aaron’s apparently suffering the same fate. Only he’s not being told that he’s an idiot by everyone, especially Vic.

“You could have died.”

“Aaron could have died.” Robert says back. “I don’t want to lose him. In a mushy way. Yes.” He almost hates himself and then he doesn’t, then he’s proud and happy for himself and Vic manages to say it all verbally just to make it seem more real.

Robert welcomes it.

 

::

 

“You okay?” Robert’s allowed out of his room, it’s the middle of the night though so not really at this time but he can’t help himself. He’s walked over to where Aaron is, he’s got cuts and bruises across his face, dressing around his shoulder from his burns and yet still smiles when Robert speaks.

“Felt better.” Ever the joker.

Robert could punch him, he could kiss him too.

He tuts and then does, kisses Aaron’s forehead and his hands shake uncontrollably.

“Good.” Robert nods quickly. “Because if you - if they hadn’t of got to ya then -“

“Your jacket. You. You saved the day.” Aaron’s eyes water as he speaks, muffled through the mask before he removes it and lets out a breath. “You saved me.”

Robert didn’t, not _really_.

“Burning building, you ran in to it to - to help me.” He’s got tears rolling down his face now and Robert’s eyes flicker before he nods. “Even though you’re petrified.”

“Yeah.” Robert says softly, “Turns out losing you is more scarier.” He admits, holds Aaron’s hand and everything becomes apparent. “I love you.”

It doesn’t even sound that strange to admit to. It feels normal. It feels right. It feels long overdue.

Aaron’s eyebrow rises and he smirks through his tears. “Yeah?” Robert nods. “Good thing I love you - love you too.” He says. “Come here.” He pleads and Robert kisses his mouth gently.

“I’m not - I’m not okay. I still have a way to go but I want you.” Robert blinks quickly. “I do.”

Aaron gulps hard. “I was trying to prove that I could be okay and then I go and hurt myself.” Robert feels Aaron’s hands shaking in his and he bends down to kiss them.

“It’s okay. We’ll be okay.” Robert says, and it’s like the roles have reversed and it’s him who is strong and soft at the same time. “Yeah?” Robert whispers, and Aaron nods a little.

He smiles, scoots over painfully and Robert ends up sharing the bed with him like they’re naughty teenagers. Robert feels at home like this, a hand running though Aaron’s hair and the younger man’s heartbeat against him.

“Remember when we first met?” Aaron tilts his head up and Robert does, of course he does.

“How could I forget, my kitchen was destroyed.”

Aaron snorts. “Thankfully yeah.” He teases. “I saw ya and couldn’t take my eyes off you stupidly.” Robert can almost see him blush.

“Well for the record I’m glad.” Robert says. “Also glad my date didn’t show up.”

Aaron looks up at Robert again and blows out a breath. “Nah. He did.”

Robert just stares at him in shock before realising what he’s saying. “Wait, you -“

Aaron nods. “Vic didn’t know. Amy’s our mutual friend, she hasn’t told her clearly. I had to cancel, had to fill in for a mate on shift and when it was your address I didn’t know how to tell ya.”

Robert’s heart fucking flutters. “You’re serious?”

Aaron almost laughs and has to have his mask back on for a second. “And you were clearly shaken, I was tryna flirt but you didn’t seem yourself so I had to try again the next time I saw ya didn’t I?”

Robert gulps. “It’s almost like you were supposed to be here.” He says, it’s strange and he doesn’t believe in signs but he kisses Aaron like his mother has given him one.

 

::

 

_**Five and a half years later:** _

He still goes to the sessions. It’s standard. He also reads up on a lot about Aaron’s line of work and runs out of ways to compliment him for how brave he is.

Even brave doesn’t seem to cover it these days.

It’s not like over night it becomes better, but facing the fear head on, flooding or whatever it’s called, has helped a bit. And so has being able to talk openly with Aaron about the training it takes to become a fight fighter. He leans a lot. He gets it.

And he _allows_ himself to get it.

He allows himself to be fucking happy which is a first, which is why when Aaron proposes in his flat over nine months later, Robert says yes and Aaron _cries_ because he knows that it means Robert accepted it all.

He’s accepted who Aaron is, he’s proud of that. And Aaron accepts it all back, travels back with Robert every other month to lay flowers at Sarah’s grave and just chat for a bit.

And Robert’s realised the distinction between Aaron and what happened back then. It’s a healthy one to say the least.

Robert still gets fucking scared let’s be honest, he’s anxious now, almost an hour after Aaron’s shift should have ended.

But there’s a little person in the middle of him with his fire engine pyjamas on, fast asleep like he doesn’t even care where his super daddy is and it settles something in his chest.

A whole little person of their own who arrived three years ago, with Aaron’s bravery and Robert’s ambition all rolled into one amazing boy.

A boy they wished for after realising that they could have forever if they wanted to, if they worked hard for it and they did.

Robert tries to close his eyes and sleep but that’s always impossible, and there’s a sweet relief he feels when Aaron comes into the room and kisses Robert’s back, making him turn towards him. He smells of lavender because Robert still hates smoke and because his posh tat is the only thing left.

“Good shift?” Robert whispers over the sound of their son sleeping. He pulls a hand into Aaron’s who shrugs a little and clicks his neck.

“Yeah. Decent.” He yawns. “Good to be back home.” Aaron has a hand in Robert’s still and is such a family man it’s a joke sometimes. Robert’s watched him settle down and mature and he loves him even more now.

“Good.” Robert mumbles, leans over to kiss him and that’s when Jacob decides to wake up and wrap his arms around Aaron before Robert can.

“Did you use the water to put out the fire with uncle Adam?”

Because apparently Aaron is the ultimate fireman Sam, the _coolest_ dad at school and he laps it up whilst Robert is the one with the cool car.

“Of course I did buddy.” Aaron smiles softly and runs a hand through Jacob’s hair before kissing him and settling him back down.

“You’re quite a hero, still.” Robert says, blinks gently and looks ridiculous in love.

“You saved me remember?” Aaron whispers like he’ll never forgot.

“Yeah well you saved me first.”

He means it with everything he has. He found Lauren for him, made Andy bearable, made Vic proud, made his mum’s memory sweet.

Aaron looks like he’s going to cry and then bites his lip. “You sap.” He says.

And Robert rests easy in that knowledge.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought if you have the time! Xx


End file.
